Say What?

Harper Clown

There is little doubt that there are more golf jokes than in any other sport. After all, even the throw-away lines are funny because when you ask a golfer how he’s been playing lately and he replies, “My game has improved dramatically since I had my ball retriever re-gripped”, you can’t help but laugh.

 

When it comes to quotes however, baseball will always be at the pinnacle. Maybe it has to do with over 150 years of history or the fact that every American youth is exposed to the sport at an early age and understands the basics of the game. For us die-hard fans, we’d probably like to think that it’s the result of the great characters who have captured our imagination over a lifetime. So, for today’s visit, we’ll look at some of the great quotes of the game and hope they bring a smile, cause an outright guffaw or put a quizzical look on your face.

 

> On hearing that Reggie Jackson was reported to have an IQ of 165, Yankee teammate Mickey Rivers snidely replied, “Out of what – a thousand?”

 

> “He’s got power enough to hit home runs in any park, including Yellowstone.” – Sparky Anderson on Willie Stargell

 

> “I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.” – Earl Weaver

 

> “Hating the Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.” – Mike Royko, Chicago newspaper columnist

 

> “Ninety feet between home plate and first base may be the closest man has ever come to perfection.” – Red Smith, sportswriter

 

> “There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them work.” – Charlie Lau, hitting coach

 

> “Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.” – Yogi Berra

 

> “For the parents of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.” – Earl Wilson, former pitcher

 

> “Good pitching will beat good hitting anytime, and vice versa.” – Bob Veale, former pitcher

 

> “The designated hitter rule is like letting someone else take Wilt Chamberlain’s free throws.” – Rick Wise, former pitcher

 

> “Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak a sunrise past a rooster.” – Curt Simmons, former pitcher

 

> “In a way, an umpire is like a woman. He makes quick decisions, never reverses them, and doesn’t think you’re safe when you’re out.” – Larry Goetz, former umpire

 

> “You never save a pitcher for tomorrow. Tomorrow it may rain.” – Leo Durocher

 

> “A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores.” – Klinger (from M*A*S*H*)

 

> “I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain’t never been seen by this generation.” – Satchel Paige

 

> “Baseball is like a poker game, nobody wants to quit when he’s losing: nobody wants you to quit when you’re ahead.” – Jackie Robinson

 

> “The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey. The old ballplayer cared about the name on the front. The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.” – Steve Garvey

 

> “Baseball must be a great game to survive the fools who run it.” – Bill Terry

 

> “Baseball gives every American boy a chance to excel, not just to be as good as someone else but to be better than someone else. This is the nature of man and the name of the game.” – Ted Williams

 

> “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.” – Dave Barry, humorist

 

“You can’t sweep a series if you don’t win the first game, and it’s tougher to win two out of three if you lose the first one.” – Todd Helton

 

> “Willie Mays’ glove is where triples go to die.” – Jim Murray, newspaper columnist

 

> “The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.” – Casey Stengel

 

> “The way to make coaches think you’re in shape in the Spring is to get a tan.” – Whitey Ford

 

> “I watch a lot of baseball on radio.” – Gerald Ford

 

> “I never took the game home with me. I always left it in some bar.” – Bob Lemon

 

> “All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a doubleheader.” – George Will, author

 

> “A hot dog at the game beats roast beef at the Ritz.” – Humphrey Bogart

 

> “He looks like a greyhound but he runs like a bus.” – George Brett on teammate Jamie Quirk

 

> “If Mike Scioscia was in a race with a pregnant woman, he’d finish third.” – Tommy Lasorda

 

> Asked what it feels like to be the shortest player in the major leagues, 5′ 4″ Freddie Patek replied, “A heckuva lot better than being the shortest player in the minor leagues.”

 

> “Andre Dawson has a bruised knee and is listed as day-to-day…Aren’t we all?” – Vin Scully

 

> “He once asked me if Beirut was named after that famous baseball player who hit home runs.” – High School Teacher

 

> Veteran Pitcher Roger McDowell on taking a rookie under his wing – “I have to go to all the places he can’t, to make sure he isn’t there.”

 

> In 1995, during the strike, a replacement pitcher who hadn’t pitched professionally in nine years had a terrible outing. Pirates broadcaster Steve Blass said, “He should have been better, pitching on 3,195 days’ rest.”

 

> “Aw, c’mon, how could he lose a ball in the sun? He’s from Mexico.” – Harry Carey

 

Needless to say, we’ve just touched the surface of this glorious topic and if you’re wondering if we’ll revisit it in the future, think of the Bryce Harper quote – “That’s a clown question, bro”.

 

 

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