As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, “My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.” So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy –
> If the sign in the supermarket said “Rotisserie Chicken” and it caused you to not spend that extra dollar on groceries, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If your Pitchers have allowed so many home runs that you’ve installed a humidor in your house, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Dave Stewart once traded Dansby Swanson for Shelby Miller, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If your elbow was fine but you decided to have Tommy John Surgery in order to see how long the rehab takes, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If life is confusing because your pill box starts with Sunday but line-up changes are due on Monday, you just might be a Senior Fantasy player.
> If you know that Taylor is LH, Tyler is RH, they are twin Brothers and can both be found in the Giants bullpen, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’re fairly sure that Kutter Crawford’s skill set includes a “Cutter”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Corey Seager hit .112 into the shift in 2022, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If your neighbor brags about his 4×4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5×5, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’re aware that Kyle Schwarber was the only player to strike out 200 times in 2022, you just might ne a Fantasy player.
> If you’ve come to the realization that you’ll be 89 years old when Trea Turner’s contract expires, you just might be an over-the-hill Fantasy player.
> If you have applied for the open position of SF Giants Medical Advisor, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Shohei Ohtani is a “Unicorn”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you switched your Son’s Little League position to SS right after the Winter Meetings, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Oneil Cruz’s 2016 baseball card (age 18) lists him as 6’1” and now he’s 6’7”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Edwin Diaz and Alexis Diaz are Brothers, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you clearly understand that being Lewin Diaz’s travel agent is a lucrative job, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you lost 20 pounds during the off-season but it didn’t help your performance, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Domingo is named German and that Max Kepler is German, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think its cool the “Cutch” is going back to Pittsburgh, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you refer to the Royals DH as “Vinnie P”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Fernando Tatis Jr.’s Dad once hit two Grand Slams in the same inning, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Luis Arraez hit .366 w/RISP, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that both Joc Pederson & Starling Marte hit over .700 with the bases loaded, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that batters only hit .170 against Christian Javier, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you have discovered that Sandy Alcantara was the only major leaguer to average 100 pitches per start, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you wish that Chris Berman was still doing baseball so you could hear about the exploits of Ryan “I Shot the” Sherriff & Justin “Man of” Steele, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If the Will Smith on your team has never slapped anyone, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you feel the Giants Catcher should always travel to his home ballpark on BART, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know Brett Phillips’ middle name is “Maverick”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Wilmer Flores (2B, SF) has a brother named Wilmer Flores (P, PHL), you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’ve discovered that Daulton Varsho was born 9 months and 1 day after his Dad (Gary Varsho) played his last big-league game, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you meet someone named Framber and aren’t surprised, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’re walking through the woods when someone yells “Snake” and you yell back “I prefer Auction”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know the difference between Zach Thompson & Zack Thompson, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If your guess is that Ryan Tellez would not be called “Rowdy” if he weighed 155 pounds instead of 255 pounds, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If everyone at Starbucks is looking at their cell phones but you’re the only one scrolling for Spring Training box scores, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think Spencer Steer & Abraham Toro should be on the same team, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you told your fiancé that you’re willing to marry her but that you want an opt-out after two years, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think that Scott Boras should bring an MRI of his own leg to negotiations, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think that Reds Pitcher Jared Solomon should have a split contract, you just might be an Old Testament Fantasy player.
> If someone refers to a girl as a “Keeper” and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If your bowling team includes Lane Thomas, Frank Bolling and Gene Alley, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Reiver is a reliever, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’re fairly sure that JoJo Romero’s parents have at least one Beatles album, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If the team names “Okrent Fenokees”, “Sklar Gazers”, “Cary Nations” & “Pollet Burros” are familiar to you, you just might be a long-time Fantasy player.
> If you confessed at your AA meeting that you drafted Seth Beer and Nick Martini, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it’s the last Football game of the season, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you attended Zach Britton’s’s workout day in January, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think that Homer Bailey had the worst name for a Pitcher until Janson Junk came along, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’ve been scouting Jazz Chisholm and found out that he listens to Miles Davis, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that the Ken Giles Showcase has nothing to do with interior decorating, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’re confident that Tim McLeod will teach Erik Swanson how to say “EH”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’ve invited Trevor Bauer & Mike Clevinger to pitch for your local softball team, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think the Mayo Clinic is where Jonathan spends the off-season looking at minor-league video, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know the whereabouts of Maikel Franco, Wander Franco, Julio Franco, John Franco and Generalissimo Francisco Franco, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think “Black Magic Woman” is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you took the “Under” on how many games Byron Buxton will play, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Mike Trout has the highest lifetime OBP of any active player (#28 all-time), you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’ve signed a petition to have Bill James’ countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If your DVR doesn’t play movies but does give statistical projections, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If the term “Pleskoff Prospect” is meaningful to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you see graffiti that says “Jesus Is The Answer” and you wonder if the question is, “Who Is Matty & Felipe’s Brother?”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you went to a sportsbook to have lunch with Pete Rose & Yasiel Puig, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’ve discovered that Anthony Santander had the most “unproductive outs” last season, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’ve replaced your microwave with a pitch clock, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think that Seranthony Dominguez should always sit at a round table, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Mark Canha has led the majors in being “Hit by Pitch” each of the last two seasons, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If friends visiting your house for a BBQ must stand on the patio and cannot move onto the grass, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If no one you know even considers tuning in to “Mad Dog” Russo, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you refuse to add “Holds” to your league’s stats until someone can actually explain what constitutes a “Hold”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’re aware that Chris Sale & Robbie Ray are the only Pitchers in history to strike out over 11 batters every nine innings, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think that Boog Powell was an Alou Brother but changed his name so he wouldn’t be called Boog Alou, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Clayton Kershaw has the highest winning percentage of the modern era (69.37%), you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that the LOOGY is an endangered species, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you understand why Jason Collette is an honorary duck, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you are aware that Magglio Ordonez has a higher lifetime BA than Miguel Cabrera, you just might be a Michigan-based Fantasy player.
> If you can’t wait to see Paul Fry pitch to Jake Burger, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Bo Bichette is Dante’s son and was named after Bo Jackson, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you believe that the new “Rotoman” Superhero action movie will be in 3-D, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’d rather watch Shane Bieber than Justin Bieber, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know why the Mexican restaurants in Cincinnati have taken Moose Tacos off the menu, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think that meeting Billy Beane would be more exciting than meeting Brad Pitt, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you can’t get through December without Ron Shandler’s Baseball Forecaster, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Juan Soto walked 135 times last year, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you don’t give a rat’s patootie about a $200+ Million player feeling disrespected, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that there was only one 20-game winner in 2022 and he finished 10th on the Cy Young ballot, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If your wife isn’t concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you’re scouting baseball prospects, you are obviously a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Ke’Bryan Hayes is the son of Charlie Hayes, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you applauded Jennifer Lopez for dumping ARod, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you got an 80-game suspension for too many carbohydrates in your system, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Alex Verdugo had the most “productive outs” in 2022, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If the total bill every time you shop at Costco is $260, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you miss Steve Moyer & Lawr Michaels, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you absolutely hate it when Managers decide to give their Closers some work in non-save situations, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think that Brett Gardner might be in the twilight of his career, but you’re sure that Steve Gardner isn’t, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Brian Kenny is the smartest guy on MLB Network, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> On a related note, if Harold Reynolds drives you bonkers, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Ryan Mountcastle is not a character from Downton Abbey, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that only 13 players had a “Hard Hit Ball” rate over 40% in 2022 and the list included Trayce Thompson & Albert Pujols, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Mookie Betts has bowled a perfect 300 game, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you think that Doug Dennis is funnier than most stand-up comics, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you got arrested after admitting that you “handcuffed” two Relief Pitchers, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you once had Bobby Bonilla on your team and you’re still paying his salary, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If a politician brings up the topic of inflation and you wonder why he isn’t also concerned with position scarcity, you just might be a keeper-league Fantasy player.
> If you’ve never forgiven Barbara Hershey for shooting Roy Hobbs, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you have found out that 41 of Aaron Judge’s 62 HR’s traveled over 400 feet, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that only six players had an OBP over .400 last season and one of them was Yandy Diaz, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know that Joe Montana was a football player but also know that Dakota Hudson is a baseball player, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you suffer a personal injury and call Rick Wilton for a diagnosis, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you and your wife exchanged dollar figures but still ended up going to arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you know what “FIP” means and you also know that Jacob deGrom has the lowest number of all active Pitchers, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you’ve ever sent an e-mail to Brian Walton asking about the #29 prospect in the Cardinals organization, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you no longer allow trash cans at the Draft table, you just might be a Fantasy Commissioner
> If you’ve ever tried to buy something with “Patton Dollars”, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If you offered your girlfriend a qualifying offer but she still opted for free agency, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If your grocery list includes Ketel Corn, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> If despite the lack of a medical degree you can easily diagnose a strained oblique and plantar fasciitis, you just might be a Fantasy player.
> And, finally, if Draft Day is your favorite day of the year, you have become a true Fantasy player.
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