You Just Might Be A Fantasy Baseball Player

As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, “My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.” So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy –

> If the sign in the supermarket said “Rotisserie Chicken” and it caused you to not spend that extra dollar on groceries, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your Pitchers have allowed so many home runs that you’ve installed a humidor in your house, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are secure in the fact that Brusdar Graterol (265 lbs.) vs. Rowdy Tellez (255 lbs.) is not part of Wrestlemania, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your elbow was fine but you decided to have Tommy John Surgery in order to see how long the rehab takes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If life is confusing because your pill box starts with Sunday but line-up changes are due on Monday, you just might be a Senior Fantasy player.

> If you think that “Aqualung” is only an album by the wrong Ian Anderson, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Willi Castro is missing an “e” and Starlin Castro is missing a “g”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Kyle Seager was shifted on more than any other hitter in 2020, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your neighbor brags about his 4×4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5×5, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re aware that Jo Adell struck out 44% of the time in his rookie season, you just might ne a Fantasy player.

> If you went to the unemployment office in late February and ending up standing in line behind Yasiel Puig, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are sure that Daniel Bard is not a descendent of William Shakespeare, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know what Shohei Ohtani, Brendan McKay & Michael Lorenzen have in common, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think you spotted Robinson Cano leaving through the back exit of your pharmacy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re acquainted with “Lenny the Legend”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Giancarlo Stanton used to be Mike Stanton but there’s also a Mike Stanton with 31 life-time Saves, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you didn’t invite Justin Turner to your birthday celebration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you lost 20 pounds during the off-season but it didn’t help your performance, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you invited Blake Snell to your house for the Super Bowl but made him leave before the 3rd quarter, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If it wouldn’t surprise you to find that Pirate infielders Kramer & Newman have the clubhouse TV tuned to Seinfeld reruns, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think it is ironic that Anthony Bass signed with the Marlins, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Fernando Tatis Jr.’s Dad once hit two Grand Slams in the same inning, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you wonder why a $7 Million Joc Pederson is replacing an $8 Million Kyle Schwarber, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you wonder whether Dakota Hudson’s career is going North or South, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’ve applied for the job as Johnny Damon’s designated driver and got a referral from Tony LaRussa, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you Ynoa player named Michael and Ynoa player named Gabriel, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that the weight loss total of Vlad Jr. & Avisal Garcia equals one Jockey, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the difference between Will Smith the Pitcher, Will Smith the Catcher and Will Smith the Actor, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you feel that when Joey Bart gets called up by the Giants it would be appropriate for him to travel to the ballpark on BART, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know Brett Phillips’ middle name is “Maverick”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Myles Straw has 16 SB’s in 199 big league AB’s, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re fairly sure that Kyle Funkhouser owns a Kool and the Gang album, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you discovered Buck & Kyle are the same age by browsing at farmersonly.com., you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re walking through the woods when someone yells “Snake” and you yell back “I prefer Auction”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Bryan Garcia stranded every baserunner he inherited in 2020, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the Dodgers skip a spot in the rotation and you think it should be called “Walker Buehler’s Day Off”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If everyone at Starbucks is looking at their cell phones but you’re the only one scrolling for Spring Training box scores, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that one Lourdes goes on tour with Madonna while another Lourdes patrols the OF at SkyDome, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you told your fiancé that you’re willing to marry her but that you want an opt-out after two years, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that smirk on the face of Scott Boros is creepy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your religious commitment is limited to drafting Jesus Aguiler, Noah Syndergaard, Adam Eaton, John Moses, Christian Arroyo, Braden Bishop & Travis Baptist, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If someone refers to a girl as a “Keeper” and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your bowling team includes Lane Thomas and Gene Alley, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Trea Turner hit .407 on the road last season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re aware that Teoscar Hernandez & Jesse Winker were in the top five in “hard hit’ percentage for 2020, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’ve cheered for Brandon Lowe, Nate Lowe, Mark Lowe or Derek Lowe, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the team names “Okrent Fenokees”, “Sklar Gazers”, “Cary Nations” & “Pollet Burros” are familiar to you, you just might be a long-time Fantasy player.

> If you confessed at your AA meeting that you drafted Seth Beer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it’s the last Football game of the season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you attended Corey Kluber’s showcase day in January, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Homer Bailey has the worst first name for a Pitcher, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’ve been scouting Jazz Chisholm and found out that he listens to Coltrane, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the whereabouts of Kyle Seager, Kyle Elfrink, Kyle Hendricks, Kyle Gibson, Kyle Freeland and Kyle Schwarber, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re confident that Tim McLeod will teach George Springer how to say “EH”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you watch a movie that stars Ben Kingsley and you’re motivated to check Trace Wood’s Long Gandhi website, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think the Mayo Clinic is where Jonathan spends the off-season looking at minor-league video, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the whereabouts of Maikel Franco, Wander Franco, Julio Franco, John Franco and Generalissimo Francisco Franco, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think “Black Magic Woman” is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Jose Iglesias finished ahead of Mike Trout in RBI % last season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your podiatrist diagnoses you with a callous and it causes you to wonder if Jim has finished the top 100 prospect list yet, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Joey Votto has the highest lifetime OBP of any active player (#18 all-time), you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’ve signed a petition to have Bill James’ countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your DVR doesn’t play movies but does give statistical projections, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the term “Pleskoff Prospect” is meaningful to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are clear on the fact that Chaz Roe is not Sushi, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you see graffiti that says “Jesus Is The Answer” and you wonder if the question is, “Who Is Matty & Felipe’s Brother?”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Schoop is pronounced “Scope”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’ve discovered that Javier Baez & Adalberto Mondesi tied for the most “unproductive outs” last season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you believe that Willians, Welington, Wilkin, Willson and Yasmani are all Catchers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you wouldn’t hire Mickey Callaway to manage your food truck, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think Ranger Suarez should be traded to Texas, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think Sean Doolittle’s nickname should be “Doctor”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think Brad Hand could be the next Rollie Fingers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you understand that Yadier is the slimmest & fastest Molina, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re more impressed with Nelson Cruz & Raisel Iglesias than you are with Willie Nelson & Julio Iglesias, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If it doesn’t surprise you that Pat Valaika has a lifetime .851 OPS as a pinch-hitter, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you subscribe to Sports Illustrated just to read Joe Sheehan’s articles, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Kevin Quackenbush should pitch for the Long Island Ducks, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If none of your friends would even consider tuning in to “Mad Dog” Russo, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you refuse to add “Holds” to your league’s stats until someone can actually explain what constitutes a “Hold”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Cesar Hernandez led the AL in Doubles last year, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re aware that Yu Darvish & Chris Sale are the only two Pitchers in history to strike out over 11 batters every nine innings, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that there have been two major league players named Boog Powell, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Miguel Sano struck out 90 times in a 60-game season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Clayton Kershaw has the highest winning percentage of the modern era (69.72%), you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that the LOOGY is an endangered species, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If a conversation with Jason Collette would be more interesting than one with Toni Collette, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If someone you know named their son Heliot and you didn’t find it unusual, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Delino DeShields (Father) hit .250 after being traded for Pedro Martinez and Delino DeShields (Son) hit .252 after being traded for Corey Kluber, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Bo Bichette is Dante’s son and was named after Bo Jackson, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you believe that the new “Rotoman” Superhero action movie will be in 3-D, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’d rather watch Shane Bieber than Justin Bieber, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you wonder when the Mexican restaurants in Cincinnati might start serving Moose Tacos, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that meeting Billy Beane would be more exciting than meeting Brad Pitt, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your annual literary schedule includes the publications written by Michael Connelly, Lee Child, Jonathan Kellerman and Ron Shandler, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think about the fact that Juan Soto led the league in Intentional Walks at age 21, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you don’t give a rat’s patootie about a $200+ Million player feeling disrespected, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your professor said, “Ponce de Leon was a Spanish explorer who became the first Governor of Puerto Rico” and you replied, “He also pitched 33 innings for the Cardinals last year”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Kyle Hendricks had the slowest average fastball (87.4 mph) in the NL, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your wife isn’t concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you’re scouting baseball prospects, you are obviously a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Ke’Bryan Hayes is the son of Charlie Hayes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you see the movie “Platoon” and immediately start thinking about Dave Roberts, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If Jennifer Lopez is dead to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you got an 80-game suspension for too many carbohydrates in your system, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know more quotes from Dylan Bundy than from Al Bundy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the total bill every time you shop at Costco is $260, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the Devo song “Whip It” comes on the radio and you think about walks, hits and innings pitched, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your only link to opera is that you once saw Alfredo Figaro pitch in a major league game, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you miss Steve Moyer & Lawr Michaels, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you decided to change your “Font” but it’s because his ERA was 9.92, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you absolutely hate it when Managers decide to give their Closers some work in non-save situations, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you drive all the way to Las Vegas in March to see Greg Ambrosius, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Brett Gardner might be in the twilight of his career, but you’re sure that Steve Gardner isn’t, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Brian Kenny is the smartest guy on MLB Network, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> On a related note, if Harold Reynolds drives you bonkers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think Perry is a better Capt. Hook than Christopher Walken or Dustin Hoffman, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Ryan Mountcastle is not a character from Downton Abbey, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you understand that Marquez is named German but Max Kepler is German, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are perfectly clear on the fact that “DeSclafani” is not tonight’s special at that upscale Italian restaurant, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Miguel Cabrera & Oliver Perez have both played 18 seasons, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you go to a seafood restaurant and wonder if Mike Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass, Mike Carp, Catfish Hunter and Bobby Sturgeon knew that there was a major league player in the 1930’s named George Gill, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Mookie Betts has bowled a perfect 300 game, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Doug Dennis is funnier than most stand-up comics on HBO, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you got arrested after admitting that you “handcuffed” two Relief Pitchers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you once had Bobby Bonilla on your team and you’re still paying his salary, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If a politician brings up the topic of inflation and you wonder why he isn’t also concerned with position scarcity, you just might be a keeper-league Fantasy player.

> If you’ve never forgiven Barbara Hershey for shooting Roy Hobbs, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If Brian Feldman has ever been your auctioneer, you just might be an expert-level Fantasy player.

> If you think that Scott Blewett is the worst name ever for a relief pitcher, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you were confused and tried to roster Bubba Starling Marte, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Joe Montana was a football player but also know that Steve Nebraska was a baseball player, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you suffer a personal injury and call Rick Wilton for a diagnosis, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Tyler Flowers could be related to Ray Flowers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re aware that Elvis has left the building and is heading for Oakland, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Jean Segura, Dee Gordon, Kike Hernandez, Jo Adell & Didi Gregorious are not females, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you and your wife exchanged dollar figures but still ended up going to arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If Jeff Erickson is your favorite radio personality, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’ve ever sent an e-mail to Brian Walton asking about the #30 prospect in the Cardinals organization, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you no longer allow trash cans at the Draft table, you just might be a Fantasy Commissioner.

> If you think that “Sheriff” would be a good nickname for Jacob Nottingham, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’ve ever tried to buy something with “Patton Dollars”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you offered your girlfriend a qualifying offer but she still opted for free agency, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you closed one eye while looking at your Trevor Bauer baseball card, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your grocery list includes Ketel Corn, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If Jeff Winick represented you in salary arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If despite the lack of a medical degree you can easily diagnose a strained oblique and plantar fasciitis, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> And, finally, if Draft Day is your favorite day of the year, you have become a true Fantasy player.

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