You Just Might Be A Fantasy Baseball Player

 

As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, “My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.” So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy –

 

> If the sign in the supermarket said “Rotisserie Chicken” and it caused you to not spend that extra dollar on groceries, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your Pitchers have allowed so many home runs that you’ve installed a humidor in your house, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Freddie Freeman was shifted more than any other player in 2019, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your elbow was fine but you decided to have Tommy John Surgery just to see how long the rehab takes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If life is confusing because your pill box starts with Sunday but line-up changes are due on Monday, you just might be a Senior Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that “Aqualung” is just an album by the wrong Ian Anderson, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve declined an invitation to attend a football game with Rich Hill, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Gerrit Cole should send Stephen Strasburg a case of champagne, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your neighbor brags about his 4×4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5×5, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re smart enough to stay away from Reese McGuire’s SUV, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you went to the unemployment office in early February and ending up standing in line behind Yasiel Puig, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Manny Machado has a lifetime OPS of under .800 away from Camden Yards, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know what Shohei Ohtani, Brendan McKay & Michael Lorenzen have in common, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Gretal loves Gingerbread and Hansel loves Saves, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re acquainted with “Lenny The Legend”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Giancarlo Stanton used to be Mike Stanton but there’s also a Mike Stanton with 31 lifetime Saves, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ian Kinsler retired one hit shy of 2,000, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you lost 20 pounds during the off-season but it didn’t help your performance, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> In a related story, if you hired the personal trainer of Francis Martes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Austin D. Adams and Austin L. Adams, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you watched a AAA prospect go back to the wall to catch a fly ball and you immediately thought “Drew Waters Runs Deep”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you were invited to run with the bulls in Pamploma but instead decided to run with the wild boars in Florida, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ahchoo was a man in tights and Shin-Soo Choo is a man in stirrups, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you Ynoa player named Michael and Ynoa player named Gabriel, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Pete Alonso hit 27 HR’s at home and 26 HR’s on the road, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Will Smith the Pitcher, Will Smith the Catcher and Will Smith the Actor, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you feel that when Joey Bart gets called up by the Giants it would be appropriate for him to travel to the ballpark on BART, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that the Royals have an OF who has a first name of “Brett” and a middle name of “Maverick”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Edwin Encarnacion has hit 30+ HR’s for the last eight seasons, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are secure in the fact that Brusdar Graterol is not a sports drink, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you discovered Buck & Kyle are the same age by browsing at farmersonly.com., you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re walking through the woods when someone yells “Snake” and you yell back “I prefer Auction”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that the Red Sox have a prospect named Noah Song and the Royals have one named Brady Singer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the Dodgers skip a spot in the rotation and you think it should be called “Walker Buehler’s Day Off”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that one Lourdes goes on tour with Madonna while another Lourdes patrols the OF at SkyDome, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you told your fiancé that you’re willing to marry her but that you want an opt-out after two years, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that smirk on the face of Scott Boros is creepy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your religious commitment is limited to drafting Jesus Aguiler, Noah Syndergaard, Adam Eaton, John Moses, Christian Arroyo & Travis Baptist, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone refers to a girl as a “Keeper” and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know what Mitch Haniger and Josias Manzanillo have in common in addition to wearing a Mariners jersey, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re not sure about Skye Bolt being a comic-book hero, but you are sure he’s a switch-hitter, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever been to a Rodeo with Mason Saunders, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve cheered for Brandon Lowe, Nate Lowe, Mark Lowe or Derek Lowe, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the team names “Okrent Fenokees”, “Sklar Gazers”, “Cary Nations” & “Pollet Burros” are familiar to you, you just might be a long-time Fantasy player.

 

> If you confessed at your AA meeting that you drafted Seth Beer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it’s the last Football game of the season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you attended Cody Allen’s showcase day in December, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Homer Bailey has the worst first name for a Pitcher, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve been scouting Jazz Chisholm and found out that he listens to Coltrane, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the whereabouts of Kyle Seager, Kyle Elfrink, Kyle Hendricks, Kyle Gibson, Kyle Freeland and Kyle Schwarber, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever laughed at one of  Tim McLeod’s puns, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you watch a movie that stars Ben Kingsley and you’re motivated to check Trace Wood’s Long Gandhi website, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think the Mayo Clinic is where Jonathan spends the off-season looking at minor-league video, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the whereabouts of Maikel Franco, Wander Franco, Julio Franco, John Franco and Generalissimo Francisco Franco, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think “Black Magic Woman” is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that nine players named Anderson pitched in the majors last season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your podiatrist diagnoses you with a callous and it causes you to wonder if Jim has finished the top 100 prospect list yet, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Joey Votto has the highest lifetime OBP of any active player (#17 all-time), you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve signed a petition to have Bill James’ countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your DVR doesn’t play movies but does give statistical projections, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the term “Pleskoff Prospect” is meaningful to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are clear on the fact that Chaz Roe is not Sushi, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you see graffiti that says “Jesus Is The Answer” and you wonder if the question is, “Who Is Matty & Felipe’s Brother?”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Schoop is pronounced “Scope”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ozzie Albies had more hits in 2019 than Ozzie Smith had in any season during his career, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that Willians, Welington, Wilkin, Willson and Yasmani are all Catchers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Tres Barrera has had Dos major league at-bats, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Ranger Suarez should be traded to Texas, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Sean Doolittle’s nickname should be “Doctor”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Brad Hand could be the next Rollie Fingers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you understand that Yadier is the slimmest & fastest Molina, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re more impressed with Nelson Cruz & Raisel Iglesias than you are with Willie Nelson & Julio Iglesias, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Pitchers should tell Alex Bregman that the next pitch will be an inside fastball, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you subscribe to Sports Illustrated just to read Joe Sheehan’s articles, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Kevin Quackenbush should pitch for the Long Island Ducks, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If none of your friends would even consider tuning in to “Mad Dog” Russo, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Hunter Dozier, Hunter Renfroe, Hunter Pence, Hunter Cervenka & Hunter Wood, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you drafted Justin Verlander just to keep Kate Upton happy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re aware that Yu Darvish & Chris Sale are the only two Pitchers in history to strike out over 11 batters every nine innings, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that there have been two major league players named Boog Powell, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Starlin, Alcides, Adeiny & Asdrubal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Clayton Kershaw has a higher winning percentage than Whitey Ford, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that the LOOGY is an endangered species, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If a conversation with Jason Collette would be more interesting than one with Toni Collette, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone you know named their son Aristides and you didn’t find it unusual, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the kids are watching “Kung Fu Panda” and you think the lead character should lose weight, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Bo Bichette is Dante’s son and was named after Bo Jackson, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that the new “Rotoman” Superhero action movie will be in 3-D, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’d rather watch Shane Bieber than Justin Bieber, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you wonder when the Mexican restaurants in Cincinnati might start serving Moose Tacos, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that meeting Billy Beane would be more exciting than meeting Brad Pitt, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your annual literary schedule includes the publications written by Michael Connelly, Lee Child, Jonathan Kellerman and Ron Shandler, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you wish Derek Jeter would become an owner in your league, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you don’t give a rat’s patootie about a $200+ Million player feeling disrespected, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your professor said, “Ponce de Leon was a Spanish explorer who became the first Governor of Puerto Rico” and you replied, “He also pitched 48 innings for the Cardinals last year”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Mitch Garver was in the top five for RBI % in 2019,  you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your wife isn’t concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you’re scouting baseball prospects, you are obviously a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ke’Bryan Hayes is the son of Charlie Hayes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you see the movie “Platoon” and immediately start thinking about Dave Roberts, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Jennifer Lopez is dead to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you got an 80-game suspension for too many carbohydrates in your system , you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know more quotes from Dylan Bundy than from Al Bundy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the total bill every time you shop at Costco is $260, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the Devo song “Whip It” comes on the radio and you think about walks, hits and innings pitched, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your only link to opera is that you once saw Alfredo Figaro pitch in a major league game, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you miss Steve Moyer & Lawr Michaels, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If running out of 2B options caused you to Panik, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you absolutely hate it when Managers decide to give their Closers some work in non-save situations, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you drive all the way to Las Vegas in March to see Greg Ambrosius, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Brett Gardner needs a restraining order, but that Steve Gardner doesn’t, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Brian Kenny is the smartest guy on MLB Network, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> On a related note, if Harold Reynolds drives you bonkers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Perry is a better Capt. Hook than Christopher Walken or Dustin Hoffman, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ryan Mountcastle is not a character from Downton Abbey, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you understand that Marquez is named German but Max Kepler is German, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are perfectly clear on the fact that “DeSclafani” is not tonight’s special at that upscale Italian restaurant, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If  you know that Evan White is a very wealthy minor-leaguer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you go to a seafood restaurant and wonder if Mike Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass, Mike Carp, Catfish Hunter and Bobby Sturgeon knew that there was a major league player in the 1930’s named George Gill, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Mookie Betts has bowled a perfect 300 game, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Doug Dennis is funnier than most stand-up comics on HBO, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you got arrested after admitting that you “handcuffed” two Relief Pitchers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Miguel Cabrera has the highest lifetime BA of any active major-leaguer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are secure in the fact that someone is not stuttering when they say “Victor Victor Mesa”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If a politician brings up the topic of inflation and you wonder why he isn’t also concerned with position scarcity, you just might be a keeper-league Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve never forgiven Barbara Hershey for shooting Roy Hobbs, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Brian Feldman has ever been your auctioneer, you just might be an expert-level Fantasy player.

 

> If you just know that Dovydas Neverauskas should be part of the “Who’s On First” routine, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you were confused and tried to roster Bubba Starling Marte, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Joe Montana was a football player but also know that Steve Nebraska was a baseball player, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you suffer a personal injury and call Rick Wilton for a diagnoses, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Tyler Flowers could be related to Ray Flowers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that the term “Elvis Has Left the Building” means the Rangers Shortstop hit a Home Run, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Jean Segura, Dee Gordon, Kike Hernandez, Jo Adell & Didi Gregorious are not females, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you and your wife exchanged dollar figures but still ended up going to arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Jeff Erickson is your favorite radio personality, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever sent an e-mail to Brian Walton asking about the #30 prospect in the Cardinals organization, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you no longer allow trash cans at the Draft table ,you just might be a Fantasy Commissioner.

 

> If you think that “Sheriff” would be a good nickname for Jacob Nottingham, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever tried to buy something with “Patton Dollars”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you offered your girlfriend a qualifying offer but she still opted for free agency, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone uses the term “Wise Guy” and you think of Gene McCaffrey instead of Joe Pesci, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your grocery list includes Ketel Corn, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Jeff Winick represented you in salary arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

>If despite the lack of a medical degree you can easily diagnose a strained oblique and plantar fasciitis, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> And, finally, if Draft Day is your favorite day of the year, you have become a true Fantasy player.