About a year ago, we touched on some great quotes from the 150 year history of our grand old game. The overwhelming response made it clear that baseball fans can never get enough when it comes to the characters of the game. As always, there will be the humorous one-liners and comic observations, but we’ll also cover a few philosophical entries. After all, there was a minor league player in the 1940’s named Aristotle Lazarou, a Cardinals Catcher from the 50’s named Dick Rand could have had a relative named Ayn, Socrates Brito is hitting .350 at AAA and batters do have to walk from the on-deck circle to the Plato.
> Royals reliever Dan Quisenberry on what happens when his sinker wasn’t working, “The batter still hits a grounder, but the first bounce is 360 feet away.”
> Giants Coach Rocky Bridges on why he refused to eat snails, “I prefer fast food.”
> “You know you’re having a bad day when the 5th inning rolls around and they drag the warning track.” – Mike Flanagan, Orioles Pitcher
> Reds SS Barry Larkin on his future with the 2003 team, which had an interim Manager and no General Manager, “We’ve decided to take a wait-and-see approach – mostly wait, because we don’t know who to see.”
> “You can sum up the game of baseball in one word – You never know.” – Joaquin Andujar, Cardinals Pitcher
> Phillies Pitcher Don Carmen after getting only his second major league hit (in about 80 at bats) was promptly picked off second base. When asked about it after the game, he said, “I had never been to second base.”
> Indians broadcaster Nev Chandler said, “That base-hit makes Cecil Cooper 19-for-42 against Tribe pitching.” His partner in the booth Herb Score added, “I’m not good at math, but even I know that’s over .500.”
> Browns Manager Luke Sewell responded to a sportswriter who had suggested his team played like dogs by saying, “Don’t call ’em dogs. Dogs are loyal and they run after balls.”
> “Last night I failed to mention something that bears repeating.” – Mariners broadcaster Ron Fairly
> “A baseball park is the one place where a man’s wife doesn’t mind him getting excited over somebody else’s curves.” – Brendan Francis
> “Hitting is timing. Pitching is upsetting timing.” – Warren Spahn, Hall of Fame Pitcher
> “The greatest feeling in the world is to win a major league game. The second-greatest feeling is to lose a major league game.” – Chuck Tanner, Manager
> “Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini. They show a lot, but not everything.” – Toby Harrah, Rangers Infielder
> “The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and pick it up.” – Bob Uecker
> “Baseball is like church. Many attend but few understand.” – Wes Westrum, Giants Catcher
> “Baseball is the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.” – Bill Veeck, Team Owner
> “I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.” – Rogers Hornsby
> “With those that don’t give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can’t think of anything to say to them.” – Art Hill
> “Nolan Ryan is pitching much better now that he has his curveball straightened out.” – Joe Garagiola
> “It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in Spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in Summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the Fall alone.” – A. Bartlett Giamatti, Commissioner
> “I am convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile.” – Thomas Campbell Clark
> “You can’t tell how much spirit a team has until it starts losing.” – Rocky Colavito, Indians Outfielder
> “If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looks like.” – Phyllis Diller
> “Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday’s success or put its failures behind and start over again. That’s the way life is, with a new game every day, and that’s the way baseball is.” – Bob Feller
> After losing a game 15-0, Pitcher Bo Belinsky said, “How can a guy win a game when you don’t give him any runs?”
> “Losing streaks are funny. If you lose at the beginning, you got off to a bad start. If you lose in the middle of the season, you’re in a slump. If you lose a the end, you’re choking.” – Gene Mauch, Manager
> “There have only been two authentic geniuses in the world. Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare.” – Actress Tallulah Bankhead
> “You don’t realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth.” – Mickey Mantle
> “The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor.” – Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879
> “Pitchers are dumb. They don’t play but once every four days. They’re scratching their ass or pickin’ their nose or somethin’ the rest of the time. They’re pitchin’, most of them, because they can’t do anything else.” – Ted Williams
Of course, you may also enjoy fictional baseball quotes, so let me recommend the IFC TV series called “Brockmire”. Hank Azaria stars as a former big league announcer who self-destructed his career with a drunken in-the-booth meltdown ten years ago. Now he’s back as the play-by-play voice for the minor-league Morristown Frackers. A number of his quotes are inappropriate for this audience, but here’s a few acceptable samples to wet your appetite…
> To his girlfriend, “Most of all, I like that we seem to have the same exact level of functional alcoholism.”
> “Knowledge and assumptions, those are like Loggins and Messina. They seem similar, but time proves one of them to be completely worthless.”
> That baseball will never be buried in a Jewish cemetery because it just got tattooed.”
> “There are three kinds of people in this world – poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money.”
> ” Let’s not make baseball out to be any more important than it really is. It’s just a diversion that keeps us from pondering our own personal hells. So what do you say folks? How about we kill another three hours on our slow and painful march to the grave. All right, top of the first…should have a good one here this afternoon.”
And don’t forget, there’s no crying in baseball.
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