You Just Might Be A Fantasy Baseball Player

As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, “My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.” So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy –

 

> If the sign in the supermarket said “Rotisserie Chicken” and it caused you to not spend that extra dollar on groceries, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your Pitchers have allowed so many home runs that you’ve installed a humidor in your house, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever gone joy-riding with Yasmany Tomas, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your elbow was fine but you decided to have Tommy John Surgery to see how long the rehab takes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If life is confusing because your pill box starts with Sunday but line-up changes are due on Monday, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the fact that only Sandy Koufax could help your pitching stats causes you to always use 32-second intervals warming food in the microwave, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that the Nationals have a minor-league Pitcher named Joan Baez, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your neighbor brags about his 4×4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5×5, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your stat service keeps channeling Faye Dunaway by saying, “He’s a Pitcher, He’s a Hitter, Pitcher, Hitter, Pitcher and a Hitter”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re acquainted with “Lenny The Legend”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the whereabouts of Austin Adams, Lane Adams & Matt Adams, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you panicked in December because someone on ESPN reported that Trai Turner had a concussion, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Dee Gordon led the NL in SB the year before and the year after he was suspended, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ahchoo was a man in tights and Shin-Soo Choo is a man in stirrups, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever purchased an illegal substance from Esteban Loaiza, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know it’s d’Arnaud and not D’Arnaud, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that the Brewers have a prospect who has a first name of “Brett” and a middle name of “Maverick”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are aware that Arismendy, Raul, Sandy & Victor are all named Alcantara, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Yonder Alonso is helping you with the launch angle of your 5-iron, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Cristhian Adames & Willy Adames, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re walking through the woods when someone yells “Snake” and you yell back “I prefer Auction”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the Dodgers skip a spot in the rotation and you think it should be called “Walker Buehler’s Day Off”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know not to touch Adrian Beltre’s head, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you told your fiancé that you’re willing to marry her but that you want an opt-out after two years, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If, like Miguel Sano, you arrived at Spring Training with a “generous carriage”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your religious commitment is limited to drafting Jesus Aguiler, Noah Syndergaard, Adam Eaton & John Moses, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone refers to a girl as a “Keeper” and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Mookie Betts bowled a perfect 300 game during the off-season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Triston McKenzie & McKenzie Mills each had 12 Wins in the minors last season, you just might a Fantasy player.

 

> If the team names “Okrent Fenokees”, “Sklar Gazers”, “Cary Nations” & “Pollet Burros” are familiar to you, you just might be a long-time Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve gone dirt-bike riding with Madison Bumgarner, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it’s the last Football game of the season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone asked you for a scouting report on Reds Catching prospect Chris Okey and you opined that he was “OK”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Homer Bailey has the worst first name for a Pitcher, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Chad Green had an ERA under 2.00, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the whereabouts of Kyle Crick, Kyle Elfrink, Kyle Blanks, Kyle Gibson, Kyle Hendricks and Kyle Kendrick, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever used the word “Eh” in a conversation with Tim McLeod, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you watch a movie that stars Ben Kingsley and you’re motivated to check Trace Wood’s Long Gandhi website, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think the Mayo Clinic is where Jonathan spends the off-season looking at minor-league video, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know Bruce Rondon & Hector Rondon have a combined weight of over 500 pounds, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think “Black Magic Woman” is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that a Barcalounger is a chair and a Barraclough is a set-up guy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your podiatrist diagnoses you with a callous and it causes you to wonder if Jim has finished the top 100 prospect list yet, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve signed a petition to have Bill James’ countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that Randal Grichuk will love Canada, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the term “Pleskoff Prospect” is meaningful to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you realize that Wily Peralta’s name is not pronounced the same as Wile E. Coyote’s name, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you see graffiti that says “Jesus Is The Answer” and you wonder if the question is, “Who Is Matty & Felipe’s Brother?”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Schoop is pronounced “Scope”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you adopted the Bartolo Colon diet regimen during the holidays, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you feel that having a pastry with Tyler Danish makes you a prospect expert, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that Wilin, Welington, Dioner and Yasmani are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Rookie Davis still has rookie eligibility, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you ordered a Delmonico Steak for dinner just because you’re a White Sox fan, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Sean Doolittle’s nickname should be “Doctor”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Brad Hand could be the next Rollie Fingers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you understand that Yadier is the slimmest & fastest Molina, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re more impressed with Jimmy Nelson & Raisel Iglesias than you are with Willie Nelson & Julio Iglesias, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If it is no surprise to you that Kris Davis hit as many Home Runs at his home park as Chris Davis hit all season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Joe is “Mauer” and Brandon is “Maurer”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Kevin Quackenbush should pitch for the Long Island Ducks, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If none of your friends would even consider tuning in to “Mad Dog” Russo, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Hunter Dozier, Hunter Renfroe, Brian Dozier, Bryan Morris & Hunter Morris, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you drafted Justin Verlander just to keep Kate Upton happy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re aware that on nickname weekend, the back of Kyle Seager’s uniform said “COREY’S BROTHER”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that there have been two major league players named Boog Powell, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Starlin, Alcides, Adeiny & Asdrubal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If  your luck got better when you changed your name from Carlos to Yolmer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know how to spell Benintendi, Foltynewicz, Tropeano, Scheppers, Tepesch, Pierzynski, Nieuwenhuis & Samardzija, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If a conversation with Jason Collette would be more interesting than one with Toni Collette, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone you know named their son Andrelton and you didn’t find it unusual, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the kids are watching “Kung Fu Panda” and you think the lead character should lose weight, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Bo Bichette is Dante’s son and was named after Bo Jackson, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that the new “Rotoman” Superhero action movie will be in 3-D, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you went to a restaurant and ordered a Szczur Salad, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you wonder why the Mexican restaurants in Kansas City never served Moose Tacos, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that meeting Billy Beane would be more exciting than meeting Brad Pitt, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Ryan Wheeler, Tim Wheeler, Zelous Wheeler, Jason Wheeler & Zach Wheeler, you’re definitely a Fantasy player.

 

> If your annual literary schedule includes the publications written by Robert B. Parker, Lee Child, Jonathan Kellerman and Ron Shandler, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you wish Derek Jeter would become an owner in your league, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the song “Camptown Ladies” makes you think of Lucas Duda, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Jesse is Winker and Dan is Winkler, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your mind wanders back to the days of phonebooks and you realize Tony Zych would be the final listing, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Jarred Cosart, Kaleb Cowart and Zack Cozart, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your wife isn’t concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you’re scouting baseball prospects, you are obviously a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re not sure Justin Upton is worth $106 Million, but you’re pretty sure he’s worth at least $23, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Yovani, Aroldis, Ubaldo, Jhoulys, Odrisamer & Anibal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you see the movie “Platoon” and immediately start thinking about Nick Williams & Aaron Altherr, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the Rhys Hoskins was the only major leaguer with an OPS of over 1.000 against both RH & LH pitching, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you got an 80-game suspension for too many carbohydrates in your system , you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know more quotes from Dylan Bundy than from Al Bundy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the total bill every time you shop at Costco is $260, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the Devo song “Whip It” comes on the radio and you think about walks, hits and innings pitched, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you sent Scott Boros a calculator so he can tell the difference between $200 Million and $110 Million, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the names Leonys, Taijuan, Kolten, Rymer & Xander are familiar to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your only link to opera is that you once saw Alfredo Figaro pitch, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Steve Moyer has better velocity than Jamie Moyer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think the movie “Ender’s Game” is a documentary about Inciarte getting an extension from the Braves, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Stolmy, Josmil, Mauricio, Yorvit & Koyie are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your Zen Master plays a guitar, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re sure that Barbato is a Pitcher and not a Caribbean island, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If running out of 2B options caused you to Panik, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you absolutely hate it when Managers decide to give their Closers some work in non-save situations, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you drive all the way to Las Vegas in March to see Greg Ambrosius, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Ben is Lively but Ryan is Dull, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Brett Gardner could be related to Steve Gardner, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Brian Kenny is the smartest guy on MLB Network, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> On a related note, if Harold Reynolds drives you bonkers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Perry is a better Capt. Hook than Christopher Walken or Dustin Hoffman, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ryan Mountcastle is not a character from a British movie, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you understand that Marquez is named German but Max Kepler is German, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are perfectly clear on the fact that “DeSclafani” is not tonight’s special at that upscale Italian restaurant, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you plan on drafting both Taijuan Walker & Jameson Taillon so your squad has a “Taijuan Taillon Rotation”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you have zero interest in the members of the Rockies starting rotation, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you go to a seafood restaurant and wonder if Mike Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass, Mike Carp, Catfish Hunter and Bobby Sturgeon knew that there a major league player in the 1930’s named George Gill, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone you know names their son Rajai and you assume the kid will be fast, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Doug Dennis is funnier than most stand-up comics on HBO, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you wonder how a prospect with the name Carter Kieboom could only hit 9 Home Runs, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If a politician brings up the topic of inflation and you wonder why he isn’t also concerned with position scarcity, you just might be a keeper-league Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve never forgiven Barbara Hershey for shooting Roy Hobbs, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your interest in camping caused you to draft Austin Meadows,  Josh Fields & Kyle Freeland, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Brian Feldman has ever been your auctioneer, you just might be an expert-level Fantasy player.

 

> If you have only a passing interest in middle relievers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you were confused and tried to roster Bubba Starling Marte, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Joe Montana was a football player but also know that Steve Nebraska was a baseball player, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you suffer a personal injury and call Rick Wilton for a diagnoses, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Tyler Flowers could be related to Ray Flowers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that the term “Elvis Has Left the Building” means the Rangers Shortstop hit a Home Run, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Jean Segura, Dee Gordon, Dayan Viciedo & Didi Gregorious are not females, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you and your wife exchanged dollar figures but still ended up going to arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Jeff Erickson is your favorite radio personality, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever sent an e-mail to Brian Walton asking about the #30 prospect in the Cardinals organization, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are aware that Ben Gamel is the younger Brother of Mat Gamel and you’ve owned them both, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the true identities of CarGo, LoMo, J-Up & V-Mart, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever tried to buy something with “Patton Dollars”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you offered your girlfriend a qualifying offer but she still opted for free agency, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone uses the term “Wise Guy” and you think of Gene McCaffrey instead of Joe Pesci, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your grocery list includes Ketel Corn, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Jeff Winick represented you in salary arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think a “Sale Price” is getting Chris for less than $25, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> And, finally, if Draft Day is your favorite day of the year, you have become a true Fantasy player.