You Just Might Be A Fantasy Baseball Player

Hedley

As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, “My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.” So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy –

 

> If the sign in the supermarket said “Rotisserie Chicken” and it caused you to not spend that extra dollar on groceries, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re more interested in Hunter Renfroe than Hunter Renfrow, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Marc Rzepczynski’s nickname is “Scrabble”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your elbow was fine but you decided to have Tommy John Surgery to see how long the rehab takes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Coco Crisp hasn’t been hit by a pitch since 2011 (over 2,700 plate appearances), you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the fact that only Sandy Koufax could help your pitching stats causes you to always use 32-second intervals cooking food in the microwave, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your neighbor brags about his 4×4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5×5, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Padres infielder’s nickname should be “Jumbo” Schimpf, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re acquainted with “Lenny The Legend”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Danny Santana, Domingo Santana, Ervin Santana & Johan Santana, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you invited Brandon Phillips to stay in your guest room and he invoked his 10 & 5 rights, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ahchoo was a man in tights and Shin-Soo Choo is a man in stirrups, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever hacked into the Astros’ computer system, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know it’s d’Arnaud and not D’Arnaud, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that the Brewers have a prospect who has a first name of “Brett” and a middle name of “Maverick”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think there’s a chance that Mallex Smith could be a distant relative of “Suitcase” Simpson, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Cam Bedrosian’s Father was once the closer on your team, you just might be a veteran Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Cristhian Adames & Willy Adames, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re walking through the woods when someone yells “Snake” and you yell back “I prefer Auction”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the whereabouts of Dariel Alvarez, Dario Alvarez, Henderson Alvarez, Jose Alvarez & Pedro Alvarez, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you told your fiancé that you’re willing to marry her but that you want an opt-out after two years, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone refers to a girl as a “Keeper” and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you were offered a part-time job with a salary of $17,200 but turned it down because you thought you were worth $30,000, then went crawling back to the original company and they gave you $18,000 so you wouldn’t like an idiot to your co-workers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that Chris Archer was the best 9-game winner in baseball, you just might a Fantasy player.

 

> If the team names “Okrent Fenokees”, “Sklar Gazers”, “Cary Nations” & “Pollet Burros” are familiar to you, you just might be a long-time Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re philosophical about the playing time for Socrates Brito, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it’s the last Football game of the season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Homer Bailey has the worst first name for a Pitcher, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re hoping that Jett Bandy will be a stealth pick at your draft, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the whereabouts of Kyle Crick, Kyle Elfrink, Kyle Blanks, Kyle Gibson, Kyle Hendricks and Kyle Kendrick, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever used the word “Eh” in a conversation with Tim McLeod, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you watch a movie that stars Ben Kingsley and you’re motivated to check Trace Wood’s Long Gandhi website, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think the Mayo Clinic is where Jonathan spends the off-season looking at minor-league video, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think “Black Magic Woman” is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that a Barcalounger is a chair and a Barraclough is a set-up guy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your podiatrist diagnoses you with a callous and it causes you to wonder if Jim has finished the top 100 prospect list yet, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve signed a petition to have Bill James’ countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you went to farmersonly.com to look for a scouting report on Buck Farmer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the term “Pleskoff Prospect” is meaningful to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you realize that Wily Peralta’s name is not pronounced the same as Wile E. Coyote’s name, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you see graffiti that says “Jesus Is The Answer” and you wonder if the question is, “Who Is Matty & Felipe’s Brother?”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Schoop is pronounced “Scope”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Noah Syndergaard added 15-20 pounds of upper body mass during the off-season and you added 15-20 pounds of lower body mass during the off-season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you clearly know that Lazarito is not a villain in the next Marvel super-hero movie, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that Wilin, Welington, Dioner and Yasmani are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re secure in the fact that you’ll never run into Steve Clevenger at a civil rights rally, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re having dinner at a Morton’s Steakhouse and immediately wonder about the condition of Charlie’s hamstring, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve applied for one of the new Visas to Cuba, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your girlfriend’s name is Betty Jo but you’ve started calling her Melvin, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your employer uses a company called ADP to process payroll and your paycheck causes you to wonder if you can get a quality Closer in Round 7, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are aware that both Mookie Betts and John Burkett have bowled perfect 300 games, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If it is no surprise to you that Kris Davis hit more Home Runs than Chris Davis, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Joe is “Mauer” and Brandon is “Maurer”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Kevin Quackenbush should pitch for the Long Island Ducks, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If none of your friends would even consider tuning in to “Mad Dog” Russo, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Hunter Dozier, Hunter Renfroe, Brian Dozier, Bryan Morris & Hunter Morris, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you drafted Justin Verlander just to keep Kate Upton happy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re sure that Pete Seeger, Bob Seger, Kyle Seager & Corey Seager are all talented, you just might be a folk / rock Fantasy player.

 

> if you know that Rougned Odor has a ball-playing Brother who is also named Rougned Odor, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Starlin, Alcides, Adeiny & Asdrubal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If something tells you that Zack Godley & David Goforth should be pitching for the same team, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know how to spell Oberholtzer, Foltynewicz, Tropeano, Scheppers, Tepesch, Pierzynski, Nieuwenhuis & Szczur, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If a conversation with Jason Collette would be more interesting than one with Toni Collette, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you ponder whether Brad Hand has ever watched video of Rollie Fingers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the kids are watching “Kung Fu Panda” and you think the lead character should lose weight, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Bo Bichette is Dante’s son and was named after Bo Jackson, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that the new “Rotoman” Superhero action movie will be in 3-D, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you see that the White Sox 3B has a Spring injury and you start yelling “down goes Frazier”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you wonder why the Mexican restaurants in Kansas City don’t serve Moose Tacos, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that meeting Billy Beane would be more exciting than meeting Brad Pitt, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Ryan Wheeler, Tim Wheeler, Zelous Wheeler & Zach Wheeler, you’re definitely a Fantasy player.

 

> If Ron Shandler has replaced James Patterson as your favorite author, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve changed your name from Mike to Giancarlo, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the song “Camptown Ladies” makes you think of Lucas Duda, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone tells you they live on Huston St. and you immediately think about Saves, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Jon Gray’s ERA in Denver was lower than Sonny Gray’s in Oakland, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Jarred Cosart, Kaleb Cowart and Zack Cozart, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your wife isn’t concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you’re scouting baseball prospects, you are obviously a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re not sure Yoenis Cespedes is worth $110 Million, but you’re sure he’s worth at least $25, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Yovani, Aroldis, Ubaldo, Jhoulys, Odrisamer & Anibal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you see the movie “Platoon” and immediately start thinking about Cameron Maybin & Ben Revere, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the stats of John Smiley and Drew Smyly, you just might be a long-time Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Dane, Eury, Jorge & Rubby are all named De La Rosa, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know more quotes from Dylan Bundy than from Al Bundy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the total bill every time you shop at Costco is $260, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If the Devo song “Whip It” comes on the radio and you think about a pitcher’s ratio, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Ian Kinsler, Ryan Braun, Scott Feldman, Trevor Rosenthal, Alex Bregman, Joc Pederson, Kevin Pillar & Craig Breslow are all on your team, you just might be a Jewish Fantasy player.

 

> If the names Leonys, Taijuan, Kolten, Rymer & Xander are familiar to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your only link to opera is that you once saw Alfredo Figaro pitch, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Steve Moyer has better velocity than Jamie Moyer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think the movie “Ender’s Game” is a documentary about Inciarte getting an extension from the Braves, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Stolmy, Josmil, Mauricio, Yorvit & Koyie are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If your Zen Master plays a guitar, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Yuniesky spells it “Betancourt” and Christian spells it “Bethancourt”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are in possession of the MRI on Garrett Richards’ elbow,  you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you absolutely hate it when Managers decide to give their closers some work in non-save situations, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you drive all the way to Las Vegas in March to see Greg Ambrosius, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you bruise your knuckles and immediately think about R.A. Dickey, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Brett Gardner could be related to Steve Gardner, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Brian Kenny is the smartest guy on MLB Network, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> On a related note, if Harold Reynolds drives you bonkers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think Perry is a better Capt. Hook than Christopher Walken or Dustin Hoffman, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Ryan Mountcastle is not a character from a British movie, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Boog Powell was secretly an Alou brother but didn’t want to be called “Boog Alou”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you are perfectly clear on the fact that “Saltalamacchia” is not tonight’s special at that upscale Italian restaurant, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’re excited about Ian Desmond’s’s new altitude, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you plan on drafting both Taijuan Walker & Jameson Taillon so your squad has a “Taijuan Taillon Rotation”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think twice when you hear the name Matt Duffy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you have zero interest in the members of the Rockies starting rotation, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you go to a seafood restaurant and can’t bring yourself to order the (Mike) Trout, (Tim) Salmon, (Anthony) Bass, (Mike) Carp, Catfish (Hunter) or (Bobby) Sturgeon, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the difference between Clay Aiken and Brady Aiken, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone you know names their son Rajai and you assume the kid will be fast, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Doug Dennis is funnier than most stand-up comics on HBO, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you wonder how a prospect with the name Carter Kieboom could only hit 4 Home Runs, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If a politician brings up the topic of inflation and you wonder why he isn’t also concerned with position scarcity, you just might be a keeper-league Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve never forgiven Barbara Hershey for shooting Roy Hobbs, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Brian Feldman has ever been your auctioneer, you just might be an expert-level Fantasy player.

 

> If have zero interest in middle relievers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Joe Montana was a football player but also know that Steve Nebraska was a baseball player, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you suffer a personal injury and call Rick Wilton for a diagnoses, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Tyler Flowers could be related to Ray Flowers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that the term “Elvis Has Left the Building” means the Rangers Shortstop hit a Home Run, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know that Jean Segura, Dee Gordon, Dayan Viciedo & Didi Gregorious are not females, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you and your wife exchanged dollar figures but still ended up going to arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Jeff Erickson is your favorite radio personality, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you meet someone named Roberto but keep calling him Fausto, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you believe that Jhonny Peralta’s long-term contract with the Cardinals caused Brian Walton to change his name to “Bhrian”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think that Bartolo Colon is the first player to report to Spring Training “in the worst shape of his life”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you know the true identities of CarGo, LoMo, K-Rod, J-Roll, J-Up & V-Mart, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you’ve ever tried to buy something with “Patton Dollars”, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you offered your girlfriend a qualifying offer but she still opted for free agency, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If someone uses the term “Wise Guy” and you think of Gene McCaffrey instead of Joe Pesci, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you went clubbing with Yasiel Puig in Oklahoma City, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If Jeff Winick represented you in salary arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> If you think a “Sale Price” is getting Chris for less than $25, you just might be a Fantasy player.

 

> And, finally, if Draft Day is your favorite day of the year, you have become a true Fantasy player.

 

 

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